How the hell is it the end of March?????? I can not believe how fast this month has gone by. March is always the worst of all the months of the year, but March 2015 was a blink of the eye. So far, March hasn’t included big adventures. Just living my life here, day to day. Sometimes it is hard and sometimes it is blissful. I am definitely getting very tired of the dining hall food, but I will have a break from that for three weeks coming up. I miss my family and friends but I am trying to be happy and live in the moment here and find my happy in something every day.
Daily life has been just getting through school and planning for my spring break. I have big projects I have to tackle and finish by the end of Spring Break, which will be hard with all the travelling I’m doing, and with my parents visiting, but I will get it done. I’m kind of nervous for two of my essays due the end of term in May, but I’m sure it will be okay if I work hard. I hope that after spring break, once I’ve done my travelling and seen my parents, I will have better focus and get cracking on everything.
Some days, I’ve been really sad. I often don’t want to get out of bed and start my day. Sometimes, I’ll find myself sitting around and just feel very sad. When that happens, I try to get myself to do something else or watch something that will make me happy or listen to some music.
Lately, it feels like the universe is pitted against me.
Firstly, and I think about this often, I don’t want to have to be dependent on so many different medications my whole life. For depression and anxiety (and acne, but thats another story). I wish I could do it on my own. I know some of you reading this are probably thinking that I can with sheer will, but I don’t have a lot of that, and I’ve tried doing it all on my own, tried doing it on my own and with help from family and councilors. Its too hard sometimes and its a chemical imbalance and I know that, but I just wish it wasn’t there. I know its not real, but I just wish I was a naturally happy person. I hate having to force my optimism. I mean I am definitely becoming more naturally optimistic because of forcing myself to think that way but it isn’t easy. And with everything that I have going on in terms of uncertainty of what direction my life is going in generally, that puts a lot of weight on me. I know that without some of my medications, I would just sit around thinking in circles about that. I know that it would weigh down so heavy on me that I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. This has become very run on and ranty, just let it go there, okay?
I also feel like I can’t catch my luck lately. I want good things to be happening! I try to put myself in situations I will enjoy! But I feel like every time I try, the universe creates a shit storm and knocks me down. I’m scared that one day I won’t be able to get back up and just stay down and sad.
OKAY, now, with that out of my system. Happy Things:
First, I am so happy to say that I will be an Orientation Leader this summer. I’ll be spending part of my summer up in Plattsburgh and its going to be a great experience! I am sad that I will be missing camp, but I hope to visit my family another time during my time off in June and August.
Secondly, SPRING BREAK: EURO EDITION STARTS SOON!
The reasoning for the nature of my spring break isnt so cool though. Here is whats happening:
The school is renting out certain housing out to people visiting the school for different conferences during our Easter Holiday Break which runs from this saturday until April 20th (crazy right). I am unfortunately, in one of the buildings they are renting out and so I have to remove myself and all of my things from my room. When I first found out about this in February, I went to the housing office and was like, “Hey so I have no home to go to when I leave… like I would be homeless. I can’t bring my things home because I’m not going home.”
And they were basically like “welp sorry ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ we cant help you, probably.” So I talked to Jess and she is letting me keep all of my things in her room and we are going to travel the whole time until I can meet up with my parents and then I will just live in hotels with them until I can move back in.
SO
I will be going to Amsterdam for 5 days, quick overnight and regroup in Chester (staying with Jess), then 7 days in London!! Then a flight up to Edinburgh for 4 days, then I meet my parents back in Chester!
I’m super excited for my trips. I am PUMPED to see Amsterdam! Coming from a town rooted in Dutch history, I learned a lot about Amsterdam, so it will be so exciting to see everything I learned about! I am also so excited to go to the National Museum and see all the art after studying a little 17th century Flemish & Dutch art! We even found the location of the bench from The Fault in Our Stars! In London, I’ll be doing all the typical things, and since we will be there for Easter Sunday, we’re going to try and go to mass at Westminster Abbey!! It will all be so fun but also tiring, I expect. I am super super excited to see my mom and dad and do a little travelling with them and show them around Chester!
No One Knows What's Happening 